Have you ever been disappointed by a book that’s been hyped on Bookstagram, Facebook, Twitter etc?
As in aliens-sucked-out-my-brain disappointed?
Throne of Glass was that book for me.
Words aren’t enough to explain my disappointment in this steaming pile of poo book.
However, words are pretty much all I have to give, so I’ve hyperextended five braincells and put a few words down on the page.
These words are not nice words.
Words describing poop bad books usually aren’t.
So, if you’re a fangirl who thinks Throne of Glass is the cure for migraines or cellulite STOP READING NOW.
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Review
Rating 1/5 stars
Still with me? Cool.
See that 1-star rating I’ve given this book?
Come close.
No, closer than that.
Now, let me whisper in your ear: that star is for the cover.
I hated this book SO DAMNED MUCH reading it made my optic nerves cramp and twist.
I’ll be brief because, as I’ve hinted above, I’ve already sacrificed 46 brain cells on this pyre of flaming poo. At my age, those neurons will never grow back.
I have issues with this book. Major issues.
The plot was supposedly a retelling of Cinderella?
I certainly did not get that vibe. The vibe I got was Trash Kardashian/Instagram influencer, all show and no substance.
Kinda like this:
My biggest problem is with the character’s supposed occupation. She’s an assassin. The BEST assassin. The MOST FAMOUS assassin.
We are told this over and over again.
Problem is…
Celaena is not an assassin’s cracked toenail.
She’s a needy, self-entitled, whiny princess who should be a contestant on a reality TV show. My boobs! My hair! My clothes ! Honestly, if I read about her BLOODY DRESSES again, I was going to high-pressure hurl into my shoes.
The beginning of the book could have been: Celaena trying to escape from super-harsh mining slave camp.
Y’know, knocking guards’ heads together, showing she knows how to make shivs outta pickaxe handles and jam them into people’s chests.
An opportunity to show us how bad-ass she is.
Nope. We have her being marched out like the prissy little reality tv star she is.
Which brings me to…
Celaena’s motivations. HELLO MOTIVATIONS, ARE YOU THERE??
Apparently the king took everything from her. Does she want revenge? NO! Let’s be a pawn in a lame-arse champion’s game instead.
If you’re apparently THE Most Famous Assassin EVAHHH, why hang around when you could just bugger off out the Super Secret Passage or even better kill the king…?
Ahhh. Never mind. Not worth killing another brain cell.
Instead, let’s talk about…
Cain the baddie.
He is SO bad. He is ALL the bad. Cardboard cutout, moustache twirling, maniacal laugh-bad. Cross Dick Dastardly with horse steroids and a jar of BWAH-HA-HA Evil Overlord™ and you get…Cain.
Cain, who in my mind kinda looks like another cartoon cliche baddie:
But Cain isn’t even the laziest cliche in the book. That honour, dearest reader, belongs to:
Elena the all-powerful, withhold-information-from-the-main-character-until-the-end plot device.
Deus ex-machina, anyone?
This was just so lazy it requires an equally lazy, cliched GIF:
Now I’ve given Elena two seconds of my time, we need to discuss…
The writing and lack of tension.
This book is ALL OVER my Instagram, FFS! I thought just reading it would nuke my cellulite.
Or at least supply Saturday’s winning lotto numbers.
But no.
Writing doesn’t have to be Booker Prize standard. Heck, I love a good James Patterson or a Jack Reacher. But ToG…
ToG’s writing/tension was a snoozer and my cellulite is STILL THERE!
We have to wait until about 48% of the way through before Caelana gets a fight in with some douche (sorry can’t remember his name) because she’s too busy fluffing her petticoats AND PLAYING POOL.
Pool! I kid you not.
The final fight is not even exciting. A week on, I could’t remember it.
But Book 4 is AMAZING…
Hear that snorting cackle?
That is me laughing at people who say this to me.
Girl, if I struggled through BOOK FREAKING ONE, you have a candle in a snowstorm’s chance of setting me on fire enough to make me read the next book, let alone Book bloody 4!
So please, don’t tell me Book 4 is amazing. Sarah Maas lost me at book one.
And I ain’t evahh going back.
END RANT.
Heading off now to untwist my optic nerves, jiggle my cellulite and look at funny cat memes. Alcohol will be involved.
I couldn't stop laughing as I read your review. I'm glad I came across it (actually your Instagram story made me come here). I keep seing The Throne of Glass popping up in my feed so I added it to my TBR. I'm glad I didn't buy it yet. I would have hated it too. So, thanks for sharing. I 'll share your post to my story!
Hey Anca, thank you so much for taking time to leave a comment. I’m glad you got a laugh of out the review. I’m probably not the right age group for Throne of Glass – if I were 14 or 15 it might have worked for me, although I think I’d still be pretty sceptical, TBH. Many thanks for the share, too. Much appreciated.
Katt
I'm so glad to see someone else who had issues with this book. It was so difficult for me to get through it solely because I do not like Celaena. However, can I disagree with the fact that she has no motivations? Her motivation is freedom. She is doing everything she can to get away from this kingdom just so she can dictate her life. It is revealed in the second book that her options were to become an assassin or die and this was at a young age. Her life has always been about survival and her choices were taken away from her. By being part of this competition to be the king's champion, it allows her to get what she truly wants, which isn't revenge, but the ability to be the dictator of her own life. Also, yes she is super whiny and she is vain, and even though her vanity is done the wrong way, I believe this is one of the few YA novels to have the main female character actually admire and take pride in her own body (unfortunately, I have not read your books but I definitely will now that I am aware of them!). Many other YA books I have read have the main female character insecure and feel unpretty UNTIL a man gives her validation. Celaena doesn't need validation from anyone; she knows her worth. But as I said, she is too prideful about it and it is grating. As an aspiring YA author myself, I want to show my female characters as knowing their own worth and not needing any sort of validation from anyone but I want to do it in a humble way. But, I definitely agree with your points about Cain, the flattest, most cliché character ever and Elena. And I will also add how unrealistic Dorian is; his father is cruel and a conqueror but Dorian is kind. WHERE does his kindness come from?! We know his little brother is a total brat so how did Dorian become the black sheep of the family? Totally unrealistic.
So anyway, thank you for pointing out the major issues in this book! I really appreciate not being the only one.
P.S. Feel free to disagree with anything I said, I'd like to know your opinion 🙂
Hi Meagan,
Thanks so much for dropping by and taking the time to comment. I agree with your comments. My only caveat is that to me, her motivations simply weren’t believable. This could have been easily fixed with a tiny bit of foreshadowing on Maas’ behalf. I need to be convinced in book 1, as if I can’t buy into the character, I’m not going to read to book 2 to find out.
I should add that I’ve found YA fantasy hit and miss and I’m probably too old to be Maas’ target audience. I might have enjoyed this when I was 15…but then again, I suspect I wouldn’t have.
Thank God for common sense. I’m so glad this wasn’t just me. That girl’s about as bad-ass as a cabbage patch kid. DOES NO ONE ELSE SEE THIS? Oh yes, you! You do. There is hope for humanity after all. Phew.
He he, Sue! See we could be twins!