Have you ever been disappointed by a book that’s been hyped on Bookstagram, Facebook, Twitter etc?
As in aliens-sucked-out-my-brain disappointed?
Throne of Glass was that book for me.
Words aren’t enough to explain my disappointment in this
steaming pile of poo book.
However, words are pretty much all I have to give, so I’ve hyperextended five braincells and put a few words down on the page.
These words are not nice words.
poop bad books usually aren’t.
So, if you’re a fangirl who thinks Throne of Glass is the cure for migraines or cellulite STOP READING NOW.
Rating 1/5 stars
Still with me? Cool.
See that 1-star rating I’ve given this book?
No, closer than that.
Now, let me whisper in your ear: that star is for the cover.
I hated this book SO DAMNED MUCH reading it made my optic nerves cramp and twist.
I’ll be brief because, as I’ve hinted above, I’ve already sacrificed 46 brain cells on this pyre of flaming poo. At my age, those neurons will never grow back.
I have issues with this book. Major issues.
The plot was supposedly a retelling of Cinderella?
I certainly did not get that vibe. The vibe I got was Trash Kardashian/Instagram influencer, all show and no substance.
Kinda like this:
My biggest problem is with the character’s supposed occupation. She’s an assassin. The BEST assassin. The MOST FAMOUS assassin.
We are told this over and over again.
Celaena is not an assassin’s cracked toenail.
She’s a needy, self-entitled, whiny princess who should be a contestant on a reality TV show. My boobs! My hair! My clothes ! Honestly, if I read about her BLOODY DRESSES again, I was going to high-pressure hurl into my shoes.
The beginning of the book could have been: Celaena trying to escape from super-harsh mining slave camp.
Y’know, knocking guards’ heads together, showing she knows how to make shivs outta pickaxe handles and jam them into people’s chests.
An opportunity to show us how bad-ass she is.
Nope. We have her being marched out like the prissy little reality tv star she is.
Which brings me to…
Celaena’s motivations. HELLO MOTIVATIONS, ARE YOU THERE??
Apparently the king took everything from her. Does she want revenge? NO! Let’s be a pawn in a lame-arse champion’s game instead.
If you’re apparently THE Most Famous Assassin EVAHHH, why hang around when you could just bugger off out the Super Secret Passage or even better kill the king…?
Ahhh. Never mind. Not worth killing another brain cell.
Instead, let’s talk about…
Cain the baddie.
He is SO bad. He is ALL the bad. Cardboard cutout, moustache twirling, maniacal laugh-bad. Cross Dick Dastardly with horse steroids and a jar of BWAH-HA-HA Evil Overlord™ and you get…Cain.
Cain, who in my mind kinda looks like another cartoon cliche baddie:
But Cain isn’t even the laziest cliche in the book. That honour, dearest reader, belongs to:
Elena the all-powerful, withhold-information-from-the-main-character-until-the-end plot device.
Deus ex-machina, anyone?
This was just so lazy it requires an equally lazy, cliched GIF:
Now I’ve given Elena two seconds of my time, we need to discuss…
The writing and lack of tension.
This book is ALL OVER my Instagram, FFS! I thought just reading it would nuke my cellulite.
Or at least supply Saturday’s winning lotto numbers.
Writing doesn’t have to be Booker Prize standard. Heck, I love a good James Patterson or a Jack Reacher. But ToG…
ToG’s writing/tension was a snoozer and my cellulite is STILL THERE!
We have to wait until about 48% of the way through before Caelana gets a fight in with some douche (sorry can’t remember his name) because she’s too busy fluffing her petticoats AND PLAYING POOL.
Pool! I kid you not.
The final fight is not even exciting. A week on, I could’t remember it.
But Book 4 is AMAZING…
Hear that snorting cackle?
That is me laughing at people who say this to me.
Girl, if I struggled through BOOK FREAKING ONE, you have a candle in a snowstorm’s chance of setting me on fire enough to make me read the next book, let alone Book bloody 4!
So please, don’t tell me Book 4 is amazing. Sarah Maas lost me at book one.
And I ain’t evahh going back.
Heading off now to untwist my optic nerves, jiggle my cellulite and look at funny cat memes. Alcohol will be involved.